Love, Touch, and Tight Budgets: Staying Connected in Hard Seasons
When people are stressed about money, sometimes the last thing they want is to be touched. In fact, when I'm stressed, I often want to get to business and move forward; when others touch me, it can feel intrusive. But when physical touch is a primary love language, financial tension can create deep pain for the Physical Touch spouse—a pain often misunderstood by their partner.
When Conflict Creates Distance
Financial stress often leads to withdrawal—not just emotionally, but physically. Love languages are all about connecting in ways that resonate and create belonging and well-being. Yet, when we're under financial stress, we can pull away from our spouse, both emotionally and physically. In some marriages, physical intimacy is the first thing that gets sidelined under pressure.
A friend of mine, discussing this topic, once said, "Sometimes physical touch can feel like an insult when things are going wrong." For someone whose primary love language isn't touch, it can even feel manipulative.
It's crucial to acknowledge here that physical connection isn't always safe for everyone. If you or your spouse has a history of trauma, especially involving touch, these conversations and interactions may carry extra weight. In such cases, working with a professional therapist trained in PTSD and trauma isn't just a good idea—it's the best way to heal. What's explored and shared here is never meant to override personalized therapy from a professional counselor who knows your specific situation.
Why Some Spouses Shut Down
In primarily healthy marriages, some spouses may literally stop reaching for their loved one. This could stem from sheer exhaustion and self-preservation, or it might reflect how unsafe they feel in other areas of life. This creates additional problems, as the Physical Touch spouse may feel rejected and ashamed when they try to connect. And if the timing or approach is wrong, the emotional connection can be broken, likely leading to hurt.
The Science of Touch: Hormones and Connection
Oxytocin: The "Cuddle Hormone"
Oxytocin is known as the "Cuddle Drug" or "Love Hormone" because it's so vital for bonding. Its most intense release occurs during mother-child bonding through skin-to-skin contact, breastfeeding, and eye contact. Fathers experience it during play (wrestling) and active and engaging interactions. It's a crucial bonding hormone that builds trust. An important aspect of oxytocin is its ability to reduce stress and anxiety, promoting a sense of calmness and well-being. When you're under stress, countering it with calm and comfort is incredibly important.
The Positive Spiral of Connection
When you engage in positive physical touch, your brain releases oxytocin. This then stimulates the release of other feel-good hormones and neurotransmitters, including serotonin and dopamine.
Serotonin helps regulate your mood, aids in learning and memory, and even assists with wound healing (fascinating, right?).
Dopamine is the reward neurotransmitter; it's released when your brain recognizes a reward and wants to experience it again.
Therefore: You experience oxytocin, you connect, you feel good, you help heal, and you feel the urge to connect again. It's a positive spiral upwards toward connection and calm.
Conversely, a lack of touch can create a toxic downward spiral. The more alone we feel, the more we believe we can't count on our spouse for comfort, the more we'll pull away—reducing our oxytocin, serotonin, and dopamine, and fueling a self-fulfilling prophecy of disconnect.
Physical Touch is More Than Sex
These beneficial hormones are always released by physical touch, especially by a long hug, holding hands, or even looking into each other's eyes. There's no denying that sex is a powerful release of oxytocin, and intimacy is one of the most potent connecting actions when the overall tone of the home is warm.
However, it's an easy mistake to assume that all physical touch must lead to sexual intimacy.
In some marriages, the only physical touch that occurs is in the lead-up to sex, creating the assumption that all touch serves only that purpose. But the importance of connection, especially soothing an anxious or upset spouse, means we need to view physical touch as a key component of our relationship that can make the home and the budget less tense, less stressful, less fraught.
Practical Ways to Rebuild Physical Connection During Financial Stress
A Five-Minute Hug or a Six-Second Kiss: As John Gottman notes, daily hugs and kisses create a ritual of connection. Start consistently giving a hug or kiss as you leave or return from work. Sit next to each other during shows or movies. Hold hands while praying or during church.
Name the Disconnect: Try saying, "I miss you, and I know we're both under a lot of pressure right now." Acknowledging the emotional space can open the door to connection.
Give Affection Without Underlying Intentions: Even if you're going through a sexual dry spell, start by connecting physically without always having to move towards intimacy. Often, consistent non-sexual touch will make choosing intimacy more likely.
Reframe Touch as a Resource, Not a Reward
Don't treat physical touch like a prize for good financial (or other) behavior. When touch is withheld until the budget is balanced, it becomes transactional. This can unintentionally and easily slide into manipulative behavior. Instead, view touch as a resource that smooths out difficulties and helps you get through hard seasons. Touch isn't a reward for stability; it's a reminder that you're on the same team.
Presence Over Perfection
In my last blog post, I wrote about the importance of presence for the Quality Time spouse. Here, presence is just as vital, but its expression shifts a bit. Even during tough financial seasons, physical connection can help anchor your marriage. It doesn't have to be a grand, romantic gesture—consistency and intentionality are what truly matter with physical touch.
TL;DR: Can Financial Stress Impact Physical Touch in Marriage?
Yes. Financial stress often leads to emotional and physical withdrawal, which can be especially painful when one spouse's primary love language is physical touch. Understanding how touch connects us hormonally, emotionally, and spiritually can help couples reconnect even in the hardest financial seasons.
This post may contain affiliate links. That means if you purchase something through these links, I may earn a small commission—at no cost to you. I only recommend things I use, respect, or love.