Divorce and Money: The Roots Beneath Financial Conflict
It’s been a hard year for several marriages around me. Some are closer than others: neighbors, friends, and family have all begun the process of divorce.
All of them have or had financial issues.
And, as a therapist, my first urge is to step in, give them all the tools and advice I have available, and help in whatever way I can.
But with every single situation, all of them called too late. Or, honestly, they didn’t call for help at all.
They simply informed me that they were getting a divorce or separating. By then, it was too late to change or heal.
Three of the four couples tried counseling, but honestly, I was skeptical that counseling would work. I sadly thought, “It’s just too late.” In a real sense, the conflict leading to divorce was like a cancer that had already set in. Had they gone for the “checkup” years ago, maybe there would have been a chance to load some hardcore medicine into their marriage—and it might have had a chance to survive. But too often, people presume (or hope) that the problem will go away on its own.
Sometimes people view therapists like ER doctors—there to stitch you up and get you on the road again—when, in reality, therapists are more like medical specialists. If your problem is finances, well, that’s a problem that needs to be addressed. But just as someone with a breathing issue needs a rescue inhaler for immediate relief, they also need an allergist to help them understand and address the underlying causes of inflammation, not simply reduce the symptoms.
Which brings me back to marriage and finances. I’m sure you’ve heard that most divorces in the U.S. are caused by financial issues. And while this fact is true,
Financial issues aren’t the original cause of divorce.
Perhaps the underlying problem is an issue of trust. Perhaps it’s selfishness on one spouse’s part. Perhaps it’s an addiction issue. Or an inability to communicate or agree on goals and needs. All of these produce financial conflict in one way or another, but the financial conflict is the fruit on the tree, not the root of the problem.
The emotional or behavioral issue creates the problem of using money in ways that cause further conflict. Using money can mean spending it, hoarding it , hiding it or a myriad of other ways of utilizing money that contributes to the marital problems. Money is simply a clear thing to focus on.
A professor of mine once said, “It takes, on average, two years for a marriage to end. You can ruin your marriage in two years.” It was a sobering thought and one that has moderated my words during the most inflammatory moments of arguments with my own spouse.
If you’re struggling with financial conflict but know you need deeper help, contact me for a consultation. It’s never the wrong time to do the right thing.
