Dating With Debt: How to Talk About Money Before It’s Serious
Money conversations while dating don’t have to doom your relationship
TLDR:
Q: How do you talk about money and debt in a new relationship without making it awkward?
A: Start with curiosity, not judgment. Normalize the fact that everyone has a financial story — debt, income, and money values are part of that. Instead of jumping into numbers right away, ask questions about how they think about money, what their financial goals are, and how they learned about money growing up. These open conversations build trust and create space for vulnerability without judgement.
Why It’s Hard (But Vital) to Talk About Money Early On
Talking about money is one of the most difficult conversations in marriage, so it follows that discussing finances when you’re dating can seem premature. Money is also often felt as a taboo topic – you don’t get to ask about it until you’re very serious.
On top of that, how we spend our money shows our true priorities. Even when we want to do what is right, financially healthy, or will advance us in our career or life, the best of us fall into mistakes or make impulsive decisions.
So, sitting across the table from a relatively new date and bringing up money issues can feel awkward and weird. We're asking for some of the most intimate information, and we're also asking for that person to be transparent relatively early on.
And an important side note: Emotional safety and spiritual maturity often include practical transparency. Therefore, it's crucial to be a safe and trustworthy person if you’re going to bring up money issues. Treat the person’s information as confidentially as you would want your information treated. And, as best as you can, be as sure as you can that they are a trustworthy person.
Red Flags and Green Flags in Financial Behavior
Financial Red Flags:
With dating, red flags aren't as obvious as after marriage, when hiding charges or lying about opening credit cards are clearer. But you can assess overall behavior and use money discussions as a lens through which to assess your date's character.
Honesty and trustworthiness are two of the most important characteristics you need in a spouse. When you’re talking about the future, does the person you’re dating talk about specific goals? What have they accomplished financially in their life?
Again, everyone makes mistakes with money. What lessons did they learn? How open are they about the mistakes they've made? Did they change their thinking and behavior in any significant way? My Granddad always used to say that "stubborn is stupid," and the older I get, the more I realize that when people stubbornly adhere to foolish behavior because they don't want to admit they're wrong, my granddad’s saying was right.
So what are financial red flags in dating? Keep a mental track of what your dating partner says and then how they act:
Avoidance: Refuses to talk about money or dismisses the need to plan.
Secrecy: They're reluctant to share basic financial details (income, debts, spending) or get defensive when money topics come up.
Chronic Debt Without a Plan: They have significant debt (credit cards, student loans) without a clear strategy to manage or repay it, or seem unconcerned about taking on more.
Lavish Spending without Stable Income: They frequently overspend, live beyond their means, or prioritize flashy purchases over bills or saving; Or they flit between jobs frequently, or have conflict at jobs frequently.
Overdependence: Reliance on family support or vague about financial responsibilities.
Dishonesty About Money: You notice inconsistencies or lies about their income, debts, or financial obligations.
Financial Green Flags:
Green flags are generally the opposite of the red flags listed above. They signal compatibility, responsibility, and trust in money matters. When you’re discussing important life matters, are your goals aligned? Are you moving in the same direction regarding careers, family goals (children, where you’ll live, what kind of lifestyle you’ll live)?
Here's what to look for:
Willingness to talk openly—even if things aren’t perfect.
Transparency About Finances: They openly share basic financial details (income, debts, spending) and engage comfortably in money-related conversations.
Clear Effort to Budget, Save, or Get Out of Debt: They live within their means, prioritize essential expenses, and demonstrate thoughtful spending without flaunting purchases. If they have debt, they have a clear plan to repay it and show discipline in managing or reducing it over time.
Humility and Teach-ability: They are willing to listen to those who have been financially successful, especially if those lessons are from being faithful in small things.
Alignment between Stated Values and Actual Spending: They actively budget, save, or plan for future needs like emergencies, retirement, or personal aspirations, showing foresight and maturity.
Honesty About Money: They are upfront and consistent about their income, debts, and financial obligations, with no signs of hiding issues like gambling or other addictions.
Why These Flags Matter: These flags indicate a partner who is financially responsible and compatible, and will likely show them to be responsible and compatible in other areas of your life, as well. That said, look for fruit, not perfection (Galatians 5:22–23). We all have financial messiness; what matters is their posture towards healthy change and progress.
Talking About Debt and Income Without Shame
One of the most difficult things to do is to discuss debt, in particular, with a serious boyfriend/girlfriend. We hide the things we don’t want people to know. So it makes sense that, especially if we have sizable debt, we would be hesitant to talk about it, and we may have some serious feelings of shame. Even if the debt is "good" debt, such as for education, people can feel regret and shame about it.
If you feel regret, it’s best if you can talk with someone about those regrets, and find the lesson that God might be teaching you about yourself, your desires (both impulsive and healthy desires) and your future goals.
Shame is a statement about your ‘self’ or your very core of who you are. If you feel deep shame about yourself or your past actions, you absolutely should talk to a professional about it, so that you can grow in health and healing.
In all of your discussions: invite a conversation, not interrogation.
The Difference Between Values and Budgets
It’s easy—especially for someone like me—to conflate budget talks and money talks with a significant other or spouse. I have been in this business for so long that they are one and the same to me sometimes. However, the key is realizing that pursuing what you value together — whether a specific material lifestyle or non-material achievement — is your ultimate goal in a relationship.
How you spend your money may get you to your goals faster; or your spending may be unexamined, unplanned, and quite a lot like a ship meandering across the Pacific Ocean. Others have a plan and a direct path.
A budget is a plan directing you to your goals quickly and efficiently.
But when you’re talking with your significant other, you can discuss the values you hold (your goals) and your general ways of attaining those goals without getting into the nitty-gritty of the plan (budget) quite yet. Look for opportunities to talk not just about the “what” but also the “why” of their spending.
“A healthy budget is a reflection of well-defined financial values. ”
Sample Scripts for Tricky Conversations
In dating, you shouldn’t be combining your finances yet. However, many of the trickiest conversations will bring up feelings of anxiety, and you may have physiological responses (i.e., heart racing, slight sweating, etc). This makes sense, because if you’re being vulnerable with your past financial behavior, you’re opening yourself up for rejection. And that risk makes us want to flee, even if we’re sitting in a nice restaurant.
So how can you navigate tricky conversations?
How to Prepare for These Talks:
Prepare in advance. Don’t go into hard conversations—even if the challenging conversation is good—without preparation. Sometimes this might look like thinking out exactly how you want to phrase the question, and writing it out so that the words are retained in your mind.
Role-playing with a coach or therapist is one of the best learning techniques for adults. It is CHALLENGING! But if a role-play is done correctly, you can throw all of your fears at the other role-player and see how they respond. Or you can have them throw what they think will come up and you try to respond.
Approach the initial conversation with open-ended questions. Avoid Yes or No questions. Here are some you can use:
How did you learn about money growing up?
“What’s something you wish you could do with money someday?”
“How do you usually decide what’s worth spending on?”
"How do you feel about debt/taking on debt? When do you think someone should take on debt, and when shouldn’t they?”
"How do you feel about saving money vs investing in the stock market?"
"Do you plan your giving/charity, or give when the moment strikes?"
"What was a big financial mistake you made, and how did you deal with it?"
Listen for their philosophy and priorities, not just their current numbers. If their philosophy is a "live for today" or "abundance mindset," it's crucial to understand how that aligns with your own views. There are ways that people change, but internal philosophy and priorities, especially in how and when we spend money, don’t change easily. If your philosophy and ideal life are diametrically opposed, it's advisable to seek guidance from a pastor, wise mentor, or solid counselor to help you navigate your differences.
Openers for Tricky Questions (Addressing Red Flags):
"I've noticed you really enjoy [spending on XYZ] – it's cool how passionate you are about that. I'm curious, how do you see that fitting in with your bigger financial goals down the road?"
"I've been thinking more about financial stability lately—it's something I really need. I noticed you’ve [e.g., changed jobs a few times lately]. How are you thinking about your career (or savings) right now?" (It’s normal if this brings up some emotions or if the other person gets quiet for a bit).
"As we talk more about our future together, I've been wondering how we'd handle things like [potential financial mismatch, e.g., different ideas about debt]. What are your thoughts on that?"
As always, bringing up these hard and tricky conversations depend on The Right Thing, at the Right Time, and in the Right Way.
Conclusion
Talking about money doesn't have to doom your relationship. In fact, it can deepen your connection and build trust and momentum toward the future. You do need to approach these conversations with care, honesty, and a focus on understanding each other's financial values for them to go well. While you'll likely never have identical bank accounts or budgets at first, aligning your values and finding common ground on what truly matters will create a greater likelihood for peace and happiness in your future together. Practice grace and kindness as you speak truthfully to one another, and you’ll be well on your way to building a financially strong future.
This challenge is often part of a wider journey toward financial independence. For a comprehensive look at moving forward independently, explore my core guide on money therapy for singles.
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