Why Emotional Openness Is the Key to Financial Peace
Money fights are one of the leading causes of relationship stress. In this blog series, based on my e-book Simultaneously Improve Your Relationships and Money, I’ll share practical strategies to improve communication about money, prevent financial arguments, and build a more secure and trusting relationship with your partner.
Note: I refer to spouses and partners in this series, but these principles can apply to you with any family member, boy/girlfriend, or other significant person in your life that you discuss financial issues with regularly. Simply substitute their name whenever you read “spouse”!
#4 Foster Openness and Communication.
Share your life as much as possible.
Marriage counselors encourage our clients to deeply engage with one another - helping and supporting each others’ dreams and goals. The most substantive way we can support one another is to know one another deeply. Sue Johnson, acclaimed clinical psychologist and expert in emotionally focused therapy, explores the 7 conversations that increase emotional intimacy.
Each of the seven conversations is inextricably linked; Yet one that stands out for our purposes is “Hold Me Tight,” the conversation that encourages partners to express their deepest feelings and needs.
This practice of emotional openness fosters a sense of security and counteracts disconnection that is so often prevalent in relationships – disconnection that creates emotional anxiety and instability in marriage.
This translates directly to our financial life: foster openness and communication in your financial lives. Unify your financial goals and agendas.
This means unify the parts of your life that you could keep separate: combine your bank accounts. Share your calendars. Where are you going and what are you doing – and how are you moving your combined dreams forward?
Even share one car! While people will chafe against this recommendation, it comes from my husband, who says, “not only does it cut down on financial pressure, but we spend more time sharing our time and conversing about our goals - because we’re in the car together.”
In strongly encouraging you to express and share your deepest feelings and needs, I am aware that doing so is an emotionally risky action that can lead to hurt and distrust.
Yet, fostering openness and communication and having it go well depends on the steadiness and trustworthiness of both spouses.
What if you have tried to be open with your spouse, and it has all gone horribly wrong? You’re not alone - many couples run up against this challenge, especially when they lack the relational tools handle vulnerability together.
Most people will back away from such conflict and try to find a way around the problem, keeping their protective guard up.
Many do not know how to be calm and engaged when a problem arises or their spouse addresses a marital or financial problem. They don’t know how to engage and reflect to their spouse - even in conflict - that they feel loved, needed, and accepted.
Often one or the other may be hurt because of their vulnerability or become defensive immediately. Quickly, two people will begin the same pattern of hurtful communication and they’ve engaged in all the times before.
Learning responsive emotional engagement, as Sue Johnson describes, is a challenge to do on your own. I highly recommend her book “Hold Me Tight” if you want to explore help on your own.
However, the best way to learn openness, transparency, and how to meet your spouse with consistency and a secure connection is to work with a mentor or therapist.
They can help you navigate challenges while equipping you with the skills and confidence to engage your spouse with the kind of love and openness that fosters a flourishing relationship.
Whether you seek help through a book, a counselor, or a trusted mentor, the goal is to move toward each other with more clarity, connection and hope.
TL;DR: How can couples build a stronger financial connection in their relationship?
By fostering emotional openness, unifying financial goals, and learning how to communicate with vulnerability and trust—often with the help of a therapist or mentor—couples can reduce conflict and create a more secure, hope-filled relationship.
