Stop Money Fights Before they Start
Money fights are one of the most common sources of tension in relationships. In this blog series expanding on my e-book “Simultaneously Improve your Relationships and Money.” I’ll address ways to improve your communication about money, avoid financial arguments, and build a trusting relationship with your spouse.
Note: I refer to spouses and partners in this series, but these principles can apply to you with any family member, boy/girlfriend, or other significant person in your life that you discuss financial issues with regularly. Simply substitute their name whenever you read “spouse”!
Rule #3: Nothing Serious after 9 pm.
Years ago, I listened to a podcast of a little known woman interviewing an even less-known mother and grandmother. The grandma was offering advice for moms of littles, and she said,
“Never bring up anything of importance after 9 pm.”
My husband was in a particularly stressful and disappointing job at the time, and we were living on the “third floor” (two rooms) of my in-laws house. Our life looked nothing like we thought we would when we were married 8 years before.
I had been bringing up all the problems we needed to address after 8 or 9. It was the only time we could have time to ourselves.
Our kids went to bed at 7:30 so if we were going to figure things out, I felt it had to be ‘now.’ We had numerous financial fights because of my choice and timing.
I took that grandmother’s advice, and stopped addressing serious, hard topics or problems. Honestly, I even stopped bringing up news items! Heavy things are heavy things, even if they aren’t personal. Our marriage blossomed, and I became my husband’s trusted friend again, instead of the person always bringing him problems to be fixed.
How does this apply to financial decisions? Again, we can apply this simply as “don’t bring up heavy financial decisions after 9 pm.”
But we can also apply this to individual behavior: If you’re making a large purchase, don’t do it at 9 pm or after. (I think I could make an argument not to make nearly any purchases after 9 pm! but I digress....)
From a decision making perspective, our willpower decreases over the course of the day. Linked to willpower is our ability to make wise decisions.
While we might not feel as though our decisions are impulsive late in the night, they can be. We might add on a little more than we would when we’re dealing with the cold hard truth of our bank account or credit card balance.
I can hear you saying, “But! If I’m never making big decisions after 9 pm, I’m never going to make big decisions.” Which brings us to the second portion of this:
...and also Sleep On It.
If you want to buy something big, sleep on it and assess in the morning.
When your brain is fully rested, you have a far better capacity to understand the risk and benefits of your financial choices. As Thomas Sowell famously says,
“There are no solutions: only trade-offs.”
It is almost impossible to recognize the risk or the trade-offs when you’re exhausted, tired, or bored.
I realize I didn’t start this sub-section talking about how sleep impacts marriage. here it is:
Ever hear the advice, “Never go to bed angry?” I don’t actually think this is always a helpful maxim in all circumstances. Many times I’ve been fired up or irritable, and just spoiling for a fight later in the night. The day has gone badly and I’m just ready to go. My husband and I have gone to bed angry many times. And more often than not (I’d say about 80% of the time) I’ve awakened to see the situation in a different light. Many times I’m chagrined at my thinking or behavior the night before.
The popular advice “Never go to bed angry“ comes from Ephesians 4:26–27 which goes on to say, “and do not give the Devil a foothold.” Here, I believe, it is warning us to not allow our anger to transform into bitterness - making sure our hearts do not become hardened against our spouse or against reconciliation.
Whether you are in a relationship and have to navigate challenging conversations, or you individually need to make decisions about big and small purchases, wait until you’re refreshed and ready to think clearly. Use late night time to share lighthearted conversations or time - such as watching comedians, funny reels, or other relaxing entertainment.
The clearest financial decisions - and healthiest relationship conversations - happen when we recognize and acknowledge our mental fatigue and choose first to rest.
TL;DR: How can I stop money fights before they start?
Avoid serious financial discussions after 9 p.m. when you’re tired and more prone to conflict. Instead, sleep on big decisions and bring them up when you're rested and clear-headed. Watch your relationship flourish and sidestep bitterness and resentment because of unresolved money arguments.
