The 5-to-1 Secret: How to Strengthen Your Relationship and Budget with One Simple Rule
How one research-backed ratio can boost your connection and transform your financial habits.
This is part of a series expanding on my e-book “Simultaneously Improve your Relationships and Money.” If you want to read ahead, sign up here. You’ll also automatically receive my blog postings (I call it ‘free therapy’) in your inbox each week.
Note: I refer to spouses and partners in this series, but these principles can apply to you with any family member, boy/girlfriend, or other significant person in your life that you discuss financial issues with regularly. Simply substitute their name whenever you read “spouse”!
Rule #1 - Abide by the 5:1 Rule.
John Gottman, renowned psychologist and Relationship Expert, is best known for his extensive research on marital stability and ability to predict unhealthy relationships that likely will end in divorce.
Throughout the past 4 decades, Gottman has become adept at predicting divorce. He identified 4 key relational patterns/dynamics that spell doom for a relationship. (We’ll go over them in a future post).
But One principle that combats the chance that you’ll divorce is the 5-1 ratio. This is the balance of positive (5) to negative (1) interactions that define a healthy relationship. For every negative interaction or conflict within a relationship, there should be at least 5 positive interactions to maintain stability and satisfaction.
Initially, it can seem daunting to restrain yourself from a 1 critical to 1 positive ratio. However, as with all behavior- and habit-change, the more you realize what is healthy and become a skilled practitioner, the more it becomes part of your identity and character.
A key component to responding positively 5 times to every 1 time is to first develop awareness of your propensity to be critical or disappointed as situations arise.
Here are a few examples of positive things that you could say during budgeting:
“I really appreciate how thorough you are with our budget.”
“You’re right to be concerned—it shows how responsible you are.”
“We’ve been doing a great job sticking to our plan overall.”
“It’s just a bump in the road. We’ve handled worse before.”
“I’m grateful we’re tackling this together.
What struck me when I read those (full disclosure, the robot created them), I realized that in order to say any of those things, you must cultivate a propensity towards seeing the positive in your partner.
If we pretend that these are two real people, and one spouse is expressing those statements to the other, what characteristics has the spouse noticed?
Thorough, Diligent, Careful
Responsibility, committed, prudent
Consistent
Teamwork, overcoming obstacles, flexible
Collaborative, Invested, Supportive.
How often do you think about your spouse to highlight their strengths, and then think of ways to affirm those strengths, both to them and to others around them?
Now, How does the 5-1 ratio apply to money?
I’m not telling you to deposit or save 80% more than you withdraw from your bank account every month! But there are a few ways this rule of thumb could apply. You could choose to:
Keep your mortgage 20% or less of your gross income
Aim toward putting 15-20% of your income towards retirement - depending on how close you are to retirement. 15% if you’re younger; 20% if you’re older.
If you’re in serious or significant debt, aim toward 20% of your income going towards digging yourself out.
But I think one way you can significantly improve your financial outlook is to apply the 5-1 rule to your own spending behavior.
For every 5 times you feel the urge to buy yourself a little treat, do it once. I acknowledge that this is a real challenge.
But cutting the ‘financial leaks’ from your life and putting that money toward the future (whether that’s debt elimination, for retirement, or your children’s college) will improve the unity in your marriage as you strive together toward a common goal.
Applying the 5-1 rule in the way that you think and talk about your spouse (or family member), and how you manage your budget doesn’t happen overnight - especially if the relationship is fractured or the budget is out of control;
But taking small, consistent steps will move you forward to a financially and relationally healthy place, which has the promise of contentment, peace, and connection.