The Single Most Transformative Principle I’ve Shared With Clients
It’s a challenge to choose which principle - #1 or #2 - has had more positive influence for my clients or my personal life. I think I might land on #2.
Rule #2:
The Right Thing
at the Right Time,
and in the Right Way
Think about the last argument you had with your spouse - or even the last conflict you had with a friend or colleague. What was it about? When did you decide to talk about it? What was the tone you used?
I’ve come to understand that in every conflict I’ve been in, at least one of these - the Right Thing, Time or Way - was completely missing or poorly, poorly done.
I’ve learned that in retrospect I can always see which one I missed.
I remember exactly where we were when I was gently challenging my spouse about a situation. He was defensive said, “I know you’re right; and you’re saying it in the right way. This....just isn’t the right time.” What made it the wrong time? We were on our way to a small group meeting and were parked in their driveway. Moreover, the emotions and context he was experiencing at the time (profound disappointment) made the timing all wrong.
I challenge my clients to think through this paradigm whenever they really want to confront someone.
The Right Thing: Are you sure you understand all the facts? Are you basing your confrontation or challenge on your perceptions, without all the information?
The Right Time: Are you choosing the time to confront, or just unloading when you feel like exploding? What are the circumstances or season your spouse (or other loved one) is experiencing? Have you considered the greater context they are in? (Alternatively, are you or your spouse avoiding the right time?)
The Right Way: What is your emotional state? Are you proving a point? Are you intense, angry, frustrated? Or are you choosing a “gentle start-up” (TM John Gottman again) in which you address this with a calm, respectful and non-confrontational manner?
So now let’s apply this to your financial state and relationships. We can do this in two ways:
1) When you’re discussing money with your spouse.
This is an obvious application! When you’re discussing the budget, spending, investing, or any other aspect of financial decision-making, set the stage with these questions. Ask them of yourself and be sure that you’ve prepared yourself in each of the three areas.
2) Utilize this paradigm when considering important purchases.
Although couples might think through part of this paradigm for a large purchase (i.e., is it right to purchase a house, right now, with the situation (way) we’re in), often the medium-to-large purchases don’t get this kind of attention.
Many money fights occur when one of the marriage partners independently makes a significant purchase without consulting the other spouse.
Thinking through the paradigm together, especially on medium-to-large purchases can significantly improve your financial relationship.
Let’s think through a big purchase that a couple might make: an addition to their house, such as a backyard deck.
Is it the right thing?
This makes us think through other ways we might use the money - does the bathroom really need renovation? Do we need another car? Is this our main priority right now?
Is it the right time?
The right time might include thinking about financing options and what the current interest rate is. As we ask the right time question, it is inextricably linked to the right way when considering money.
However, the right time might be a good deal that has come your way after waiting a long time; it might mean considering whether or not you’ll be traveling for work and not able to oversee a project, or be available for a large purchase and all the paperwork that goes along with it.
Is it the right way?
Are we financing the item? Are we paying for it outright?
If financing: Does it appreciate or depreciate in value? Will we end up upside down on the loan? Can we afford more debt? What emotional costs are we accruing (anxiety, conflict, depression) with this purchase?
In essence, The Right Thing, Right Time, Right Way paradigm is one of the most powerful ways to navigate hard conversations and decisions, and can be a potent tool to avoid unhealthy financial conflict.
TL;DR: How can I dramatically reduce conflict and improve financial communication?
To resolve conflicts and make better financial decisions, use the “Right Thing, Right Time, Right Way” rule: Ensure you have all the facts (Right Thing), choose a considerate moment (Right Time), and approach with respect and calm (Right Way). Applying this principle in conversations about money and major purchases can help you avoid unnecessary arguments and strengthen your relationship - especially surrounding money!
