Rebuilding Your Finances After Divorce: What to Do When the Dust Settles
TL;DR: Rebuilding Your Finances After Divorce
Divorce often leaves your finances in disarray, but you don’t have to stay stuck. Start by tracking your income and essential expenses—not with a full budget yet, but with honest awareness. Common pitfalls like overspending, avoidance, or lifestyle mismatches are normal—but they don’t have to define your future. If you’re ready for clarity, download the first two chapters of the Post-Divorce Financial Reset workbook and take the first step toward rebuilding with intention.
Beginning the Road to Recovery
Divorce is terrifying and painful in ways that people often don’t expect before they embark on that road.
It's a ripping apart, and those who have endured it will tell you that it's just as painful as if you ripped their arm or leg off.
I've watched many divorces in the past 3 years – and in fact, the divorce that is closest to me inspired my When Love and Money Speak Different Languages series.
I've listened to friends, family and clients weep, and sometimes watched them tremble, as they recount the moment they were told that the marriage was over.
And grief wells up, sometimes overwhelmingly. Because divorce is a death – a death of a relationship, a death of dreams of the future, a death of the person you thought you (and your spouse) would be.
Everything crumbles, including your financial standing.
But what do you do when the dust finally settles? Or what do you do when the dust hasn't quite settled, but you need to make forward motion?
Experiencing the Emotions of Divorce
Coming to grips with the reality of divorce can take as long as a physical death. And most people will respond emotionally the same way: shock/denial, bargaining, anger, depression, acceptance. Although we think that of these grief stages as linear they are not – they come and go in waves, and are not consecutive. Some will revisit certain stages again and again, experiencing disappointment that they aren't 'through it;' some will remain in a stage for longer than expected. And sometimes the stages don't look typical.
When there was a divorce in our family, no one talked about it, and I certainly wasn't at liberty to tell others in the extended family. I was puzzled at first – until I thought through the grief process and stages, and realized it was a form of denial. The people who had the right to tell about the divorce just couldn't face it at the moment. It gave me a lot more compassion for them when I thought about their actions through that grid.
Sometimes we don't want to face the truth and the pain of what is. So we say nothing at all.
As you walk through the different stages of grief, it's important to remember that the emotional grief will likely impact your choices and behavior, and can go on to impact your financial choices.
Common Money Pitfalls Post-Divorce
Of course, the primary pitfall is underestimating how much the attorney's fees will be. The more contentious the relationship and divorce (and honestly, the more money to fight over) the more expensive the divorce will be. A quick review says that the median divorce costs $7,000, but the anecdotal evidence indicates that divorcees should be ready to part ways with more than 60-100k in all for the more complex and cantankerous the divorce. Factors that impact the costs:
Where you live
Contested or not
Children under 18
Custody agreements
Child Support and alimony agreement
Material property
Domestic violence
Complicated assets, or if either of you try to hide assets
Mediation or collaborative divorce
Trial costs
All of these things, and the hits that you endure as you fight it out, combine to create a sense of being dragged under in the currents of conflict, and only coming up for air gasping after it's all done.
Regardless of whether the man or the woman makes more money, the major 'breadwinner' in the relationship is likely to feel resentment and frustration at how much money is going to the person who has hurt them so much.
And if you're receiving alimony or child support, it's likely it just doesn't seem like it's enough to keep going.
Regardless, after a divorce, one of the most common pitfalls is that you don't accurately re-calibrate your spending after the income shift.
Add to that the tendency for most of us to make ourselves feel better by spending money (going out with friends; buying items or services that make us feel better, attractive, healthy; planning trips to get away from it all; the costs of dating again) it's easy to find ourselves drowning in consumer debt.
Budgeting as a Self Care Practice
I recently came to a place of peace when I acknowledged the incredible amount of time I need to plan out my weeks. I take an enormous amount of time on Saturday mornings to figure out everything: From my main business goals, my academic planning, to our meal plans, to my schedule and meetings, to my children's activities. But when I didn't do this during the most hectic time of May, my mind was reeling and I was losing control of my emotions.
The same is true of a budget – taking time each day to simply look through it and taking time every week to reconcile your budget is actually self-care. We often think of self-care as getting nails done, spending time at the gym, meditating, reading self-help tomes. But one of the best ways we can care for ourselves, reduce anxiety and set a plan is by creating and consistently working a budget.
Reclaiming Agency: Mindset Shifts for Financial Independence
A massive shock that my clients have faced is that the other spouse managed the money. Taking control of their finances feels daunting and overwhelming. Many of them have never looked at a budget app or software, and they feel like throwing their hands up in exasperation. Or they feel as though they should already know what they're doing.
Many divorcees are very good at tracking their expenses. But this isn't a plan, it's a report. You know where the money has gone, but you don't have a good idea of what bills are coming up.
The first mindset shift is to take responsibility to get the people around you who aren't only your cheerleaders (which you need) but also those people who can help guide you through daily budgeting and financial behavior.
This is different than a financial advisor for your investments. They are there to help you understand your stocks and mutual funds and your retirement. But do you know what you're going to do when your water heater goes out, or your car needs new tires? You should not be looking to a financial advisor for those items – and if you are, it is because you haven't planned your daily financial life appropriately.
When to Seek Support (Financial Therapy vs. Financial Planner)
So you're reading this and thinking, "man I need help!" and start searching for a financial advisor or a financial planner. But maybe you need a financial therapist. How are they different?
A financial advisor or planner usually helps individuals and organization to create a strategy to meet longer term financial goals. They will definitely set you a plan to pay off debt, save for retirement, pay taxes and other goals, and they may also be licensed as an advisor, and can give you wealth management and investing advice.
But they will look blankly at you if you start taking about emotional struggles, divorce fights, quarrels or relational difficulties you're having. A Planner is very good at planning; Not as good with the motives and challenges that underlie why the goal isn't being met.
A financial therapist will understand the issues, emotions, that cause your financial behavior. They will address the psychological aspects of financial decision making and combine their therapeutic techniques to help identify negative mindsets, behaviors, beliefs and personal stories they tell themselves around money. They are usually licensed as a therapist, but do not diagnose mental disorders, nor treat those disorders. They operate as a more competent and effective financial coach, with additional layers of professional training.
Rebuilding your finances after a major life change is possible with the right therapeutic support. To explore the full scope of this recovery, read my comprehensive guide on finding financial peace without a spouse.
Where You Go from Here
Divorce leaves a mess—emotionally, logistically, financially. Even after the papers are signed, there's often no clear roadmap for how to rebuild.
But you do need a plan.
Whether you're still untangling shared accounts, figuring out how to live on one income, or just trying to keep the lights on while managing child support or alimony—getting your financial footing back matters.
You don't have to overhaul everything overnight, but you do need to take the next smart step.
Download the first two chapters of "The Post-Divorce Financial Reset" workbook and tell me what you need most in the remaining sections. I'm building this for you, so your feedback will help me create exactly what you need.
This post may contain affiliate links. That means if you purchase something through these links, I may earn a small commission—at no cost to you. I only recommend things I use, respect, or love.